Dear Dad,
You should be here. I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years Dad. Where have the years gone? I fell out of love, I sold the first house I ever bought, I fell in love, I married my love, I had my daughter, I moved into a beautiful new home with Mom and Trish, and I had my son. I think I’ve been busy. I think the thing I fear the most is when the number of years you’ve been gone is more than the number of years I got to spend with you. I won’t think of that now though, I have years until I have to endure that heartache. Instead I want to talk about fifteen things I’ve thought about in the past fifteen years. Not only the things that have been happening with me since you’ve been gone but the things I’ve realized or things that have happened in this big, bad, wonderful, amazing, ugly, scary, blessed place we call the world.
Technology- This one makes me smile. The thought of you and the way technology is now a days just makes giggle a bit. When you were sick I remember teaching you how to email. This from a guy who loved stopping by his friends house on Saturday morning without calling first, no matter how many times me, Trish and Mom told you how rude that was. I used to sit at work waiting patiently for the new email sound to go off hoping it was an email from you. They were one liners. Hi, It’s Dad. I fed that Kat. Love you. Yes I remember you spelling easy words incorrectly just to get a giggle out of us. What I’d give to receive an email like that today.
Country Music- I used to make fun of you and Mom for listening to country music. I called you old. It was always so sad and sappy. Depressing even. Well I guess I’m old, sad, and sappy now because it’s my choice of music now. I don’t even find it depressing anymore. Madison loves it and Drew sings “but it can buy me a boat.”
Your Family- This one hurts to the core. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry if I have disappointed you in anyway when it comes to your side of the family. We remained close for years after you passed. Then Mem passed and it all went downhill. I don’t even know why that’s the sad part. I used to think it was because it saddened them to be around us, it reminded them too much of you. Then Uncle joined you and Mem. We haven’t talked since and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them because family is family and at the end of the day family is what matters.
I married my father- May this one make you laugh. God Dad you would have loved Andy. You are so different in a lot of ways but so much a like in others. One word Mom would say. French. So French. When I think about the things that husbands should be able to do with their father-in-laws I instantly cry. Andy more than anyone deserves to have that relationship with you. Some of the things I know you would have spent hours discussing would be sports, boating, yard work (man I thought you were bad with wanting the “perfect” yard) camping, history and of course the city of Boston where he works. You’d be proud, he’s in the union. He asked Mom if he could marry me and he helps take care of Mom and Trish and I know that alone would make you love him.
9/11- After the dust literally settled after this life changing day all I could think about was thank god you weren’t here for this. It would have devastated you, but that got me thinking. You would have had words of wisdom to help me get through that horrible time. You would have had a strong opinion, but a solid one at it’s best.
Communication is key- I remember laying in bed at night listening to you and Mom talk. I couldn’t hear what it was, but I could hear you. During those moments it calmed me and helped me fall asleep. The simple sound of you both talking was what helped me fall asleep at night. Now I’m a parent. Now I see how hard it is to keep a relationship open and honest while raising a family. Now I realize just what you and Mom were talking about behind those closed doors. Thank you. You and Mom helped me realize just how important it is to maintain a healthy marriage.
A Fathers Lap is so important- Do you remember when Sharla died? The loss of our first dog. I was so sad and had no idea what to do with my feelings. One night when you returned from home, you saw how sad I was. I burst into tears and you pulled me onto your lap. I told you how much I missed her, you told me exactly what I needed to hear. That it would be Okay that we would always remember her and talk about her. There have been so many times when I really just needed to crawl into your lap and hear your voice. Now I see my children climb into their fathers lap and I can just feel you with us. I see my husband hold my children when they are hurt or sad and I remember just how important a fathers lap really is.
Man Vs. Womans Job- Now I didn’t grow up seeing you clean toilets or vacuum but when I remember the year you got laid off. We struggled a bit. Mom had to go back to work for the first time years. I remember you being there when we got home from school and I also remember how you took over the housework since you were the one home for a year. That forever changed me (sorry to my husband now) but it taught me that it’s not a woman’s job to cook and clean and do nothing else. Growing up in a home where Mom stayed home happened more when we were growing up than it does now a days. I’m happy to report that Andy does a lot of housework and I love knowing that our kids will see that it’s equal all the way around in our home.
Naps-Oh sweet naps. Another thing you and Andy would have in common. I used to wonder why I hated why he would nap any chance he would get but then I realized why I’d get so mad. I was jealous! What I’d give to be able to nap. Even during my sleep deprived days with a baby at home I couldn’t nap!
Breakfast at McDonald’s-I used to love this time with you. Every Sunday morning we would pile up in the car and off we would go for our pancakes and hash browns! I had no idea why we did this every week but I loved it. We loved that alone time with you. Now that I’m a mother I know exactly why we had this “special” time with you. Mom needed a break! Now I know how much that one to two hours truly meant to Mom!
Yard Work- My favorite memory was getting off of the school bus and seeing you raking the yard. I don’t know why but it was a sense of “home” for me. However now I have a yard, I see how many hours it takes Andy to keep up our yard. However that is the yard our children run around on. That yard is now a sense of “home” to them. I appreciate the yard work you did now more than ever.
Fishing- I learned nothing- The other day we were swimming at the lake and Drew pointed to a bobber in the water, I told him not to touch I didn’t know if there was a hook attached to it. As I walked closer to it I realized a fish was actually still attached to the bobber. I was immediately sad for this poor little fish that had a hook attached to it’s mouth. The kids continued to swim and I continued to think about how I could help that fish! If only I could remember how to remove a fish hook like you taught me. Then I realized it had nothing to do with remembering how to go about removing a fish from a hook it was more about how I get grossed out with the thought of it now a days! Later when Drew was napping I grabbed Madison, some bread and a pair of scissors and
Father’s Tease- You sure loved teasing us when we were younger. I hated it. I took it. I cried over it. I now see Andy teasing our kids and I realize that it’s a “father” thing. It’s the end of a long day, I can’t wait to get the kids in bed and your rough housing, chasing them, picking at them. Just teasing them. It’s a father thing.
Genetics – Crows Feet. Thanks- Yes thanks for that Dad. I loved loved loved your smile. It seriously would light up a room. I don’t really remember you without a smile on your face. Even when you were your sickest you still smiled. When you got your diagnosis you sat in that ugly orange/brown chair I used to hate and you smiled. You looked me straight in the eye and told me that you had grand babies to hold. I don’t know if you were in denial on how bad it was really going to get or if you were just trying to make me feel better but you smiled. You always smiled.
Duck Tape doesn’t fix things- What was the saying “F*ck it – Duck it.” You fixed everything with duck tape. We even had a pop up trailer that we nicknamed the “Duck Tape 2000.” It’s all I ever knew. Then I met Andy. He actually really fixes things Dad. 😉 We walk down the street and a corner of the curb is busted and broken and Drew says “It’s OK Momma, Dadda will fix it.” Sorry…..we aren’t ruining your name, duck tape will always be in our home.
So on the day that we are remembering you. The day that you’ve officially been gone for fifteen years we watched our sweet girl leave her daycare behind and graduate to kindergarten. Dad, you should be here.
“You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.”
