5 Ways to STOP the Bickering

This is such a strong topic in my family these days. We all bicker, my husband just said yesterday, I don’t understand why we are fighting on Father’s Day. I didn’t realize we were fighting. To me it’s bickering, it’s maybe not agreeing on something, or even agreeing to disagree?? I have 5 ways to STOP the bickering. From toddler fighting, arguing, pushing for a toy to realizing when to walk away as an adult.

ONE. FIGHTING leads to BICKERING.

Obviously this will only work if you have two toddlers. Specifically one fighting with another over a toy. This can be a sibling fighting or fighting amongst friends or in school situations. Simply offer another toy to one of the children. If one is trying to take the toy from the other, go and find a similar toy and give it to the child trying to take it from the other. Another situation where this worked really well for us was my oldest being four and my youngest being 1-2. Whenever my youngest went to take a toy from my oldest she went and got any other toy and gave it to her little brother. Simple. Easy. It worked, little brother was happy and big sister got her toy back. However it doesn’t work forever. My youngest is not quite two (but will be next week and I’m in complete denial) and is starting to fight back for what he believes in. Now we take turns. I want to teach my children to share, but lets face it, they are children, they don’t share and won’t for a VERY long time. So I take the toy and I say it’s Madison’s turn right now,  you can have it in a few minutes Drew. Most of the time this works, if it doesn’t, I sometimes try and tell my oldest that her little brother doesn’t know how to share yet, he’s too young, so it’s up to us to show him, can you show him by letting him have a few minutes first and then it’s all yours. This just worked this morning for me. Here is how it went:

They both wanted the TMNT sippy cup.

Momma: Madison could you let Drew use your cup today, he really really wants to try it and it would be teaching him how to share!

Madison: NO!!!! NO!!!!!! It’s mine! I figured it was backfiring but with the grace of god she turned around and said OK. (What I’d give to know what was going through her head at that exact second!)

Momma: OMG honey you are such a nice big sister letting Drew use your cup (clap clap-read below how important this is) I’m so happy that you are helping teach your little brother how to share.

Drew: Tink Oo. (that’s thank you) and then proceeds to open the cup and spill the whole cup of juice all over the floor. Oh and yes my kids get one cup of juice a day they treat it like I treat my wine!

TWO. SAY your PEACE and STOP TALKING. They aren’t adults.

I’ve come to notice the past few months my four and a half year old and I have been “bickering” a lot. When I think back to some of the things we bicker about,  I find myself rolling my eyes like a teenager. I then have to quickly remind myself that I’m the adult here and it’s up to me to end the bickering. Here is an example.

Momma: “Madison can you please pick your cloths up off of the floor and put them in the hamper and also take your plate to the counter.” Now these are two things a four and a half year old is capable of doing, she does these things on a daily basis however she gets lazy and forgets, as we all do.

Madison: “Uggggh (with attitude) why do I have to do everything, I always do everything, you need to do things too momma!”

Momma: “Really?? Wow do you want to know all of the things that Momma does everyday?” I then proceeded to tell her.

Madison: “Ugh your so mean!” (I’ve been getting this one A LOT lately)

I then realized where I went wrong. I should have just left it at. “Yeah Momma does need to do some more things.” and simply walked away. You see, she picked up the cloths, put them in the hamper and then proceeded to bring her plate to the counter. I got her to do it, but the conversation I continued was not necessary. Of course you can probably just feel the anger that was rising in my head when she made that comment, but again I’m the adult. I could have saved myself one less “Your so mean!” that day. Since starting this little trick it has cut down on HALF of our arguments. I simply say “It is what it is Madison, it’s not going to change. End. Of. Story. I’ve also noticed my husband saying this more and it’s working! Oh and don’t be afraid to try it with your significant other. Just bite that tongue!

THREE. Distraction and Clapping.

This works for younger kids. It hasn’t been working with my four and a half year old these days. You’ve probably heard a lot of Moms say distract, distract, distract! I never did it with my first because I never thought about using it while she was feeling frustrated with herself. When kids play by themselves they may try to open a container or put something together, they get frustrated and the next thing you know they are throwing toys or crying. Distraction will work here too. Simply bring them to a new toy to play with (this works on the young-ins) or go in and show them how to correctly put it together saying “see, this is how it works, keep trying, I know you can do it!” This cuts down on the frustration, plus you are also boosting their self confidence by saying you believe in them, then when they do put it together correctly or get that cover off, you simply clap. Always clap.

Take two kids (siblings or friends that are under one and a half) that may be fighting over the same toy. Distract by taking a different toy to your child. I can’t tell you how many times I finished an adult conversation with another Momma friend by using this method. Distract with another toy and on the way home I’d say “I’m so proud of you for sharing your bla bla bla with so and so” Then clap. It’s never too young to tell your little one that you are proud and that they did a good thing.

FOUR. Bend. Whisper and Talk.

I’m not going to lie. This is the one I had the hardest time with. However it works! For the most part. There is just something about getting down on a child’s level that just makes them feel more human I believe. No honestly. Both of my kids instantly stop crying the second I bend down. You’d think it would come naturally to me to just do that right? Wrong. Confession time. I’m a  yeller. Yup, I am, I constantly fall off of the wagon, however I always climb right back up because I don’t want to be that Mom. I just have zero patience so the patience level always wins over the “bending down” rule! I truly believe that reminding myself that my child is….well a child and what they understand at that age is just not what we understand helps reset me. So if you see your kiddo feeling frustrated or is starting to get fired up with another sibling. Get down there. Bend on down and whisper “What is wrong honey?” or “Are you frustrated because Madison isn’t sharing.” Unfortunately, I’m starting to see that it’s not working as well for my oldest anymore. Probably because of the new found attitude she’s developed (totally 4.5 ish didn’t ya know!) So now when I bend down and ask if she’s frustrated or if her little brother can share I get the ol “It’s your fault!”

FIVE. Pick and Choose.

This one is for you adults out there. I know as parents we have to pick and choose our battles all the time with our kids but have you ever thought about using this with your significant other as well? My marriage got so much better when I realized some things were just not worth fighting over. Though we can’t use the above approaches for our other halves (though we wish we could get down on their level and reason with them lol) this one will work. I have a strong willed husband. He’s opinionated but smart. I used to fight him on everything, now I just fight him on things I feel very strongly about, mostly it has to do with our children and discipline. I also know this works for him as well. When he feels strongly about something that has to do with our children he speaks up and vice versa. Here is a great example of how I chose to bite my tongue.

Daddy: What’s for lunch?
Momma: (not feeling like cooking, yes even I don’t feel like cooking sometimes) “Why don’t you cook up that Kielbasa in the fridge.”
Daddy: OK.

Then he proceeds to pull out the smallest frying pan we had.

Momma: Don’t cook just half of it, cook it all and use the leftovers for the kids.
Daddy: I am going to cook all of it.
Momma: OK but you’ll need a bigger pan than that.

He then proceeds to ignore my advice and continue cutting and cooking the Kielbasa in the pan that he chose. I bit my tongue and went about what I was doing.

Daddy: Hmmmm I guess I did need the bigger pan huh.

That was one argument I avoided by simply letting him figure out for himself that I was right. This is a funny story for us because I’m the cook, I love creating dishes as you know, I’ve cooked Kielbasa a million times for us, I simply let him burn on that one, and some of the Kielbasa unfortunately.

**** Please note these are only my suggestions from my own experiences. All advice is from one Momma just trying to help another Momma out. I am not a licensed anything, however some of these suggestions were from our own family therapist.****