When was your “Moment??”

I wrote this post back in  May, however I submitted it to the Parenting NH newspaper this week in hopes of a publication. I don’t know where to start with my writing skills, how can I start to do this for a living, how can I start to make a little bit of money off of these random, funny, mind blowing, moments of motherhood or my crazy, yummy, mouth watering recipes I have been sharing with the world since October of last year.

I sit here with a lot of guilt at times because I’m a SAHM to my 21 mth old daughter, I’m lucky, I’m so so very lucky to be able to do that, however their are times when I really do think that going back to work maybe a better option for me, which in the end would result in it being a better option for my family. What can I say, it’s a tough job. I weight my options on a daily basis because I was never that “career” woman, I liked my job, I made good money, but I didn’t LOVE it. When I hear my husband talk about his job and how much he LOVES it, I’m not going to lie…….I get a little envious. I’ve always enjoyed writing, it’s a great way for me to “vent” get out feelings that stay in the cob webs of my mind a lot of the time. Anyways, the new improved Momma’s Meals………..”Motherhood doesn’t come with a recipe.” will go live in October and will hopefully guide me to the much needed career that I need!! Even if it is part-time!!

So let’s talk about this question: Name a specific moment when you realized that you may just be getting this whole “Motherhood” thing? 

Here is my answer:

I’m not sure I will ever really begin to realize what this mothering thing is all about LOL….I think I realize new things everyday with my 21 mth old daughter as my guinea pig. However this one memory stands out to me above all others because I had no idea what it felt to be a mother until I saw my daughter in pain and couldn’t do anything about. It’s when my mother’s words rang through me………..

When I was 22 years old I lost my boyfriend in a motorcycle accident. I was devastated, I hurt in a way I had never hurt before. I was getting into the car with two of my friends to attend the funeral and I said good-by to my mother, then got into the back seat of the car. As we drove away I turned around and saw her hug my grandmother (she didn’t know but my window was down and I heard what she said to my grandmother that day.) As she clung to her own mother she cried “My baby is hurting…..and for once I can’t do anything to make it all better.” It brought tears to my eyes, however I had no idea how that truly felt until 10 years later when I became a mother myself.

I was never good when my infant cried, when she was changed and dry, fed and burped, swaddled and snug in a bug but she continued to cry anyways kind of cry. I didn’t know what to do! I guess in my own little fantasy world I thought that when a baby was taken care of and happy,  they would just stop crying, oh did my little naive brain get a dose the first few days of being home with a newborn! My husband was always good with her when she was going through crying fits, I just tensed up a lot and my husband didn’t so he became the primary giver during her “crying fits”

When she was 18 months I sat  rocking my daughter in the middle of the night, we were pretty sure it was an eye tooth coming in. Then all of a sudden, that moment when I saw my mother cry to her own mother about not being able to take my pain away made me realize something.  I’m never going to be able to take the pain away from my 18 month old when she teeth’s, or my 3 year old when she falls and gets a boo boo, or my 8 year old when she learns to ride a bike and falls, or my 12 year old when she doesn’t make the field hockey team, or my 16 year old when she gets her first heart ache from a boy.  I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE MY DAUGHTERS PAIN AWAY FROM HER.

In that moment I realized that I’ll never get the parenting thing…..I’ll have my moments when I’m on a roll and I’ll be rocking out motherhood like there is no tomorrow, but I’ll also have those moments of defeat when I want to throw my hands up in the air and give up! Learning to accept that…………….is parenting.

When was your moment when you realized what this “mothering” thing was really all about?