Pregnancy, It’s a Love/Hate Relationship

10/29/12-Monday-Am I an alcoholic?

So even though no one knows I’m pregnant I figured I’d talk about it anyways so I can share this not so awesome experience with everyone when it is out in the open. Please don’t get me wrong, extending my family and having more children has always been part of the plan, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t blog/write, bitch and complain about it. So future child please forgive me.

It’s just different this time. Though I was excited when I saw the test stick turn positive, my heart beat in a different way. It was almost a “scared” kind of way. I immediately thought of my daughter who happened to be yelling “Momma!!!!!! Momma!!!!!” from her crib because it was 7:15am. I just kept thinking this is my only time with her alone EVER again. I spent the day stealing little glances at her playing from a distance wondering if I’ll ever get this feeling or this moment back again. When she sat on my lap that day I snuck in little kisses on her head wondering if I’ll ever get the chance to do this ALONE again. It was all about Maddie that day. Since that day, it’s been all about me.

Yup……selfish me. Tired me. Sick me. Me who has all she can do to get her fat butt off the couch to attend to her and fix dinner for my husband and god forbid clean so we don’t live in filth. I forgot about the tired stage. I forgot because when I was at that tired stage before I didn’t have a toddler running around to care for.

Selfish me because I finally and I mean FINALLY got the strength to go back to the gym and let all that extra baby weight flap around in ways it’s just not supposed to so I could feel better about myself and not go up yet another size in cloths. I kicked, I punched, I sweated through at least 15 or so cardio classes, I was finally at the point where I could walk the next day when I found out I was pregnant. I know I know, it’s not an excuse but I don’t feel comfortable working my heart and my body that hard when I have a human being inside of me that needs me. I will start walking again at 12 weeks like I did before.

Which reminds me where was I with my bitching, even though so far this pregnancy feels the same as the last (which I should be so lucky for) I’m still bitching. It was bad enough I felt stuck in a mommy rut. A rut where I spend 90% of my days attending to my child and my family. Don’t get me wrong, this is a job I LOVE and ADORE, but after two years I’ve finally started to see the light! Started to do some things for myself, working out, cooking more, going out more, putting make up on, carrying a damn purse for the first time in two years. Then bam!! Your pregnant!!

The worst part. MY WINE!!!! Yes I’m obsessed with wine, what can I say I like it. It relaxes me, it’s the end to a day for me, I even look forward to it on bad days. No I wasn’t always like that, I enjoyed a nice glass or two at the end of a long work week, or a bad day here and there, or out with friends. Then once my daughter started sleeping through the night, me, not so much. I had a hard time falling asleep, I couldn’t shut my mind off, it just plain sucked, I suffered from insomnia for weeks, I even remember blogging in the middle of the night at times. I tried medicine, I hated the way it made me feel, the way I slept. Then I had a glass of wine at night. Then once my daughter went to bed, I cleaned up, had my one on one time with my husband, tucked him in, I’d curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and my favorite TV show (I have lots don’t ask me which one) then 3 hours later (3 shows later) folding laundry didn’t seem too bad. It turned into 11pm sometimes 1130! But it was Momma time, it was my time.

Now I’m pregnant and I don’t have that time anymore. Friday night I was destined to stay up late, watch a Lifetime movie and pour myself a glass of non-alcoholic wine. I couldn’t wait! My husband went to bed at 9, I got comfy with my blanket, and by 9:35 I couldn’t even keep my eyes open! AH!!! Hey I tried.

Now I’m sitting through a hurricane, once this post is live Hurricane Sandy will be that of the past, but as I listen to the gusts of winds outside, the rain slapping against the porch and watching the lights flicker, all I want is a glass of wine, candle light and my husband to talk to. Well two out of three isn’t so bad I guess. 🙂

If you haven’t noticed, I miss my wine and it’ll be a good year before I get that time back again, though I shouldn’t even dream of it since it’s what’s probably what stopped me from losing the initial baby weight I still have.

Until the next vent session my friends………

10/30/12 – Monday-Waste of Life

Who would have thought that the next vent session would be the very next day?? Well today is about being totally, utterly more than exhausted. Like I’m a waste of life tired. Like, my daughter went to school today and the most I managed to do today was clean the bathroom, do one load of laundry (meaning start it, switch the load, and leave it in the dryer) and empty the dishwasher! Don’t worry I managed to nap for two hours though!!

I keep reminding myself that my baby needs my body right now, that it’s good that this baby is taking (zapping) every piece of energy I have within my body. Besides a few aches and pains here and there (OK everywhere) I have no other complaints, yet. Everyone already warned me that the second time your body recognizes what you’re going through so much earlier than the first. That you show earlier, well yeah of course I’ll show earlier, I looked 5 months pregnant before I even found out! Now at least I can show that belly proudly, well I can in a few more weeks I guess, for now I’ll keep sucking it in. My hips already hurt like they did in my eighth month last time. I toss and turn like I’m due any day LOL.

I don’t know about you but I feel horrible feeling this useless! I don’t even want to cook and that is SO UNLIKE me!! Getting up is an effort, however the good part is, I’m spending every second I can with my boo, knowing I’ll never have this alone time with her again makes me appreciate every second I have with her. I hope she doesn’t mind me being lazy for the next 2 months! I think she’s catching on……she loves laying down with me…….even if it is only for 5 seconds at a time, she just likes copying.

OK I must go hydrate this baby, yes I drink gallons of water a day. Fun, means lots of time in the powder room!! 🙂

11/04/12 – Sunday-Count your blessings

I’m not puking my guts out, I’m not spending my days about to “puke” my guts out, I’m not on bed rest, I’m not bleeding, I’m not any of these things so I want to count my blessings. I’m 6 weeks pregnant today and besides the bloat and the “waste of life” I described a few days ago, I’m fine. If this pregnancy can go as smoothly as the last, I would be one lucky lady. So I’m counting my blessings.

Trying to stay positive as my drag through each day without an ounce of energy in my body. We do it because we have to, when I think of the feeling to describe to my husband (because I feel the need to tell him about every ache and pain because……well, it makes me feel better) it feels like I’m sick, that lethargic feeling of achenes that doesn’t seem to end, I’m still not too sure why they call it morning sickness when you can feel it all day and at night. Maybe because it starts in the morning? Yeah that must be it. My nights are usually filled with getting dinner on the table, this consists of a crock pot meal because if I don’t put dinner into it during a certain window, forget dinner. Get Madison ready for bed and pretty much pass out myself. I’ve resorted myself to making snacks and stuff because photographing and blogging about a whole dish isn’t even on my list these days. Committing to Featured Friday and #SundaySuppers is all I can do these days. I’m half way there though! 6 more weeks of feeling useless and then I can tell the world of this little blessing that is growing within me.

I’m still counting my blessings though. I’m blessed to give life not only once but now twice. This is it for me though. I’ll have my breast reduction scheduled before I even give birth since that is something I’ve wanted to do for myself for years and had to wait until I was done my family. For now…….I’ll just enjoy the peace and quiet I get at 8:17 pm, because it won’t be long before I’m even more exhausted from taking care of a toddler and a newborn!!

11/15/12- The Fat Stage

Is it a stage or is it that I’m just fat? I remember my first pregnancy, I just felt bloated for 12 weeks until I started showing, the first time around I didn’t start showing until roughly 14 weeks…..but I loved it. I glowed. I’m just about 8 now and I swear………I’m showing! It’s a hurt kind of bloat, my uterus physically aches. I remember this the first time around too but I loved it. I glowed.

Nothing glows the second time around. The boobs, oh that should have it’s very own article. My daughter thinks they are her personal bouncing spot. My cat, she tends to want to lay “on me” not near me. I can’t wait until I can wear the cutesy pregnant cloths, I haven’t even taken them out of my closet yet, everything else still fits me since I spend 90% of my time in yoga pants anyways! For now I’ll just let the fat hang out.

It’s the stage where you belly isn’t quite hard yet so it just feels like fat, like the belly you get after you give birth!

12/3/12 – The End is Near

So everyone knows now! About my lil peanut. The energy is getting a bit better, I’m actually able to cook a real dinner, though yesterday I baked Banana Nut Bread so when it came time to dinner, pizza it was! I can actually make it until 6pm before I feel really burnt. Trust me that’s an improvement, unfortunately after the 6 week mark that I spoke about above, the nausea did kick in! Lucky me, again I shouldn’t complain, I know woman who have far worse than what I’m feeling, but still, it’s my website so it’s about me 🙂 luckily for me my nausea comes and goes in waves, but it can sneak up on me, and there are days when it happens all day long, and then there are days when I don’t feel it at all, there seems to be no rhyme or reason, however a few more weeks and I’m hoping to feel myself again. I’m breaking out the maternity wear this week, I really don’t need it quite yet, but I’m working on packing up the condo to move so I mine as well go through it all. The time of year I’m pregnant this time is a little different so it should be interesting! I haven’t even gained any weight yet, I’ve actually lost it. Yeah I know, I have to get pregnant to lose weight go figure!! I know I know it’s the wine. Luckily my alcoholic withdrawals are over! I’m sleeping better at night, I don’t ache as much, I think my lil peanut is settling in down there!!  I get overwhelmed at times still. I get the “OMG what have we done??!!” We are just starting to figure out our little family, we are just starting to agree on parenting styles, disciplinary actions, why are screwing it up by adding another LOL???!!!! Then I think of that little tiny life and I melt all over again. It’s amazing how the mommy instincts just kick in. I’m hoping to enjoy the infant stage a little more this time around, I’m hoping to not be so nervous and a little more calm since the “fear of the unknown” won’t be there this time around!! I’m still enjoying every second with my boo, we have officially spoiled her rotten this Christmas!  She has no clue what is happening but she loves babies………that’s a start.