Positive Parenting – A New Activity that REALLY works!

I confess, I’m not a positive person. I fight for it each and every day. Some days you’d never even know it, and then other days you probably wouldn’t even want to be around me. Now that my oldest is creeping closer to five I’m realizing just how much my negative attitude can directly affect her. I’ve changed a lot in my life this past year, not just by working a few days a week, bettering my health by loosing weight and changing my eating habits, but I’ve also worked on changing a lot of my parenting techniques. It’s important now more than ever at the age my children are at.

When you have babies you care for them. They need to be fed, changed, loved, and cared for in every way possible. Well when my daughter was a baby I thought that was the hard part. Wrong. I find these last two years have been the hardest. Teaching these little people manners, respect and simply how to exist is just so exhausting to me. However, I want to put the hard work in now so when these littles get big…….I have a half a chance that they may just trust me and confide in me (I know I’m stretching here, but a Momma has to dream to get by).

I read a lot of inspiring books written by Momma’s who have blogs like me, SAHM’s, or just Momma’s in general. I own all of those journals where you can write in them daily to keep you focused on the joys of Motherhood versus the tougher days and moments (even when it seems like there are no joys there are SO many!). I talk to others about challenges and moods my kids go through to get other opinions and perspectives. I have even joined a few parenting groups on FB and recently just signed up for a Positive Parenting workshop I can take part in virtually.

On our recent visit to our parenting therapist we spoke about positive parenting. I asked our therapist why it that my 4.5 year old still whines. ALL. THE. TIME. Like Constantly, and when she’s over tired……..forget it! I get it, kids whine, and maybe everyone else’s child really does whine as much as mine in the privacy of their own home but frankly the attitude she has been giving me in public is just plain out embarrassing. I honestly thought she wouldn’t be speaking to me like this until she was 16 or so! So I asked for some tips.

Take a mason jar, a package of cotton balls, and use it as a reward system. I put the cotton balls in my daughters old lunch box and put the mason jar and lunch box on a shelf where she can reach it. We then explained to her how this reward system was going to work. We told her for every little good thing she did she was going to get a cotton ball. When the jar was filled she would “earn” her prize. Before we started we came up with four prizes that excited her enough to want to play this “game”. A new teenage mutant ninja turtle toy, a night where she gets to stay up late with Daddy, whatever she wants for dinner that night ( I mean whatever she wants!) and a new dump truck. So we combined a few things that will cost us money in the end but a few that were free too, you can be creative, as long as they really want “this reward” they will be interested. I’m not going to lie, when the therapist first explained how this system worked I couldn’t put two and two together and see how this was going to cut out the whining. However I trust her.

So we started. The first few days I literally gave her a cotton ball for…….simply existing. I had a hard time with it because you have to remember to say “You just earned a cotton ball for smiling at your brother!”, “You just earned a cotton ball for bringing your plate to the trash without me asking.” or “You just earned 3 cotton balls for picking up your pajama’s the first time I asked you!” Seriously……I called my husband at work after the first 4 hours and said this is sad, I’m giving her a reward for breathing practically. He just laughed at me and said to keep doing it, we had to trust our therapist. Then at the end of the day I plopped on our couch and zoned out to my usual drama filled shows. Then as I thought about the day, I realized, wow, we had a really good day. My daughter was pleasantly happy for most of it and there was barley any whining! OMG Positive parenting works! Then I immediately felt like an idiot. Of course pointing out your child’s strengths and right doings throughout the day was going to help cut out the whining. She didn’t have time to whine because she was too busy doing good things all day long to earn that prize she wanted so badly. All while I did nothing but cheer her on with “Good job!”, “I’m so proud of you for earning those 5 cotton balls when your little brother starting running towards the road and you ran after him!” Brilliant….. yes, easy….. no.

Now insert life. Insert tons of errands to get done, dinners to make ahead, a week of activities to go to for a wedding she was a flower girl in, insert Momma so busy she forgets to hand out cotton balls! The point of the activity is supposed to teach her to be a “good” girl. A “good” girl without the whine and also to teach her to do good things for others. I got off routine for one week and all hell broke loose. See what happens when Mommy and Daddy get tired! It honestly was just proof that we need to continue this activity since it worked for a few weeks. Eventually she is supposed to earn cotton balls for listening. (without the usual “I don’t want to” attitude). According to the therapist we have to start off small by rewarding her every little move and then eventually those “little moves” turn into “bigger moves.”

I’m not going to lie my 4.5 year old thinks the world revolves around her and that I (yes I) was put on this earth to wait on her hand and foot. We go about our lives taking care of these little people because it’s our job. I’ll never forget the ah-ha moment when I realized that I needed to start teaching this girl some manners and get her on board with some responsibilities. We walked in the house one day after being outside (it was Winter) she came barging in, threw her boots off, threw off her hat and even took her coat off and dropped it on the floor. I came in after her and was like “OMG, there is absolutely NO reason why she can’t come in the house, take her boots off, put them on the matt, and hang her coat up!!!” That was my ah-ha moment!  I’m proud to say she now hangs up her own coat, gets her sneakers and socks on, brings all plates to the counter, puts her cloths in the hamper, makes her bed, and the new thing we are working on (which literally just started today and wasn’t so successful with it) is helping with the morning routine of getting our milk and getting breakfast started. Granted I have to remind her at times, but she does it and nothing makes me happier. Sad but true! I’m starting early with Drew, he already throws his trash in the garbage and puts (throws) his utensils in the sink. Can we say proud Momma here.

So what has this little activity taught me? Well that’s easy. That we MUST praise our children not only on a daily basis, but on a every second possible basis! I had no idea that being positive and using praise could make such a different. I believe in this parenting so much I had to share my experience with you, even if it is a bit embarrassing because this doesn’t come natural to me as a Momma. I know it does for some, and if your one of them……..you are lucky!

How do you use positive parenting in your everyday life? I’d love to hear some more examples!