My Struggle w/Food

I’m calling it my struggle with food because I don’t like to call it a “struggle” with weight because I was never really over weight growing up. I just want to share my story, and hopefully it will help me through this challenge, help me stay with it, help me feel better about myself. I know people change, we age, time just creeps up on us. It’s life. Here is my story. I only have a few older pictures I wish I could show you more!

The Early Years:
All through highschool I got made fun of for being “flat chested” Don’t laugh I seriously did. I was always able to eat whatever I wanted through my adolescence. Then I guess you can say womanhood kicked in because at around 20ish the chest I had been praying so desperately for finally arrived!! Yes I swear I woke up one day and they said hello!!!!!! From that point on I just got curvy, not heavy, however I couldn’t eat what I wanted anymore without gaining weight (now granted I was never a size o or 1 but I was a 3/4 at one point!) so I took up excercise because I’m one of those people who LOVE FOOD, I chose to work out and eat whatever I wanted to maintain my weight, that work through most of my 20’s.

My Twenties: (this picture is in 2003) The second year we did a cancer walk for my father. I was pretty happy with my weight then.)
When I was 21 I lost someone I loved more than life itself in a motorcycle accident. It was so traumatic for me, my life changed with one phone call. I lost a lot of weight after that, on my 21st birthday I actually look sick. As I recovered I slowly gained it back. Then a year later my father got diagnosed with cancer. I turned to food, I can’t believe I have to be one of those woman who turns to food when I’m depressed, upset, hurt, you name it, I’ll eat because of it. The older I got the harder it got to keep the weight off no matter how much I worked out. At 22 I got diagnosed with IBS, ok what woman out their doesn’t have that, I know this now. I went on all different kinds of meds, meds that made me tired, irritable, painful, finally my mother begged me to use food to control my stomach. The doctor gave me a list of foods that would help my system naturally and a list of foods to avoid. So I tried it……it was fabulous….It worked! From there on out I used food to control my body. I began to see what bothered my stomach and what didn’t, I also learnt that every now again I could eat pizza or pasta and it wouldn’t bother me, as long as I didn’t abuse it. Then after loosing my relationship of four years, after giving it my all, I turned to booze (not in an alcoholic way).  I moved back home with my mom, I had all the money in the world, I was never a bar person, I hated the bar scene, I was never a drinker, I hated taking anything that would do something to me that I couldn’t control. I spent up to 23 years old either caring for my sick father or getting over his death. But alcohol numbed the pain, I had my party stage, but we all know what alcohol does for our weight. I was never a weekday drinker, just weekends.

Healing into my Thirties: (This picture I believe was NYE going into 2004) Boy did I love my weight here!!
I got into a regular routine and hit the gym harder to maintain my weight through that drinking stage. I was comfortable, still could eat what I wanted but still tried to maintain a high fiber diet as well.  By the time I met my husband I was at a comfortable size 8, but growing! It became harder to work out, harder to maintain the weight (everyone warned me of this) I still wasn’t comfortable. I then joined weight watches and within 3 mths I shed a good 20 lbs, it was amazing! I could even eat what I wanted and drink! Once I stopped WW’s, I gained it all back plus 5 more lbs. It was devastating, I was starting to feel ugly in my own skin. A few months after dating Andy, I met a friend through him and I joined a gym in NH with her since I pretty much moved in with him by then. Her and I made a regular routine out of it. Then she hired a personal trainer, she looked fabulous and was doing it to get into shape for her wedding, I figured why not give it a shot. I had no money and trainers are expensive, after talking to my boyfriend about it (husband now) he said if you want it, do it, I said I only have enough money in my savings account to pay for him once a week for 12 weeks. He said do it. So I did. It was brutal, I was on a strict diet (it was like eating cardboard, and no alcohol, yeah that lasted 2 wks) And of course 2 wks into this training I chipped a tooth, needed a route canal and ended up having to charge it on my credit card because I gave this trainer all my cash. Not to mention I had to join another gym to train with him. Even though I only lost 6 lbs. in 6 wks, I lost inches like you wouldn’t believe! I went from a size 10 to a size 6 again, I hadn’t been a size 6 in years! I may have been happy with my size but that was the only thing I was happy about.  I was miserable with life because I was always hungry, I couldn’t eat anything and I couldn’t believe I had only lost 6 lbs. That is when I truly learnt that it’s not the numbers on the scale that matters, it’s the way you feel in your cloths, I’d rather lose inches anywhere than loose numbers. Then the guy turned on me, took my money and took off. He also did this to my friend, however I had prepaid and he still owed me 8 more sessions!! Yeah it was like $600 I lost!! I was so devestated………I then gained the inches back and went into a size 10 again over time.

Getting Married: (2009)
By the time I got married in 2009 (I ate the last 3 mths of my wedding stress away and gained more and was in a size 12 by the time I got married) Let me just say that it didn’t matter, because on that day I felt the most beautiful I had felt in a LONG time. My honeymoon was amazing, and I felt great being a new wife. But as time went on I became unhappy in my size 12 again.

Baby Time: (2010) 2 mths before I got pregnant
My husband and I tried having kids right away since we had both just turned 32. Seven mths into it, seven months of disappointments, messed up periods and a lot of tears later, I said to my husband, I need a few mths off, I bought an elliptical and started working out every morning again. I felt great, stress free from not worrying about getting pregnant, I dropped back down to a size 10 YAY! Let me say what they say is true about getting pregnant too, as soon as you relax, as soon as you start having fun and stop stressing about it……..You get pregnant. Sure enough I did. 🙂 I was petrified of gaining weight while being pregnant. I didn’t lift a finger for the first trimester because I was afraid I’d hurt the baby no matter how many people told me I wouldn’t, I’ve known WAY too many people who have had miscarriages. After the first trimester passed I felt better and start walking everyday. The cravings started, the best ones were, peanut butter, spicy stuff, chocolate cake & anything greasy!! I had a fantastic pregnancy, I felt great, I was happy, I really felt the glow, even my husband said WOW you are so positive LOL!! After going to the doctors every month for my check up and looking at my weight I realized wow, I’m eating like crap and I’m barley gaining weight!! By the time I had my beautiful baby girl, I was 17 lbs. heavier from the day I found out I was pregnant. Not bad. I was siked, I figured the baby must be a good 8 lbs I’ll only have to lose 10 lbs!

(2 Wks before I delivered)

Sure enough I walked out of the hospital in my size 10’s!! Within a few weeks of motherhood I lost another 10 lbs on top of what I needed to lose, I could hardly believe it! I thought my miracle had finally happened!! I was down into my 8’s again! Then about 4 mths postpartum this baby belly appeared, my gosh I looked pregnant again, only my belly wasn’t hard it was mush! Where did it come from!? During those 4 mths I thought I had gotten lucky so I started eating anything I wanted again, besides having an infant at home-made no time for eating healthy. My IBS starting bothering me again, I started drinking wine again, and here we are 14 mths later and I’m back in my 12’s…….tight may I add. It’s frustrating. According to the normal BMI scale, I’m obese!!!  HA!!! I just always thought I was chunky, hippy, had a little too much meat on my hips. My mom is over weight, she never was all her life, now I know where I get turning to food for comfort because my mom never really put on all of her weight until after we lost my dad. I asked her one time what happened and she said “I lost my best friend, I turn to food now.” It broke my heart but I realized I do the same thing. It devastated me, I want to live long to see my kids grow, I want to feel healthy and be healthy.

Today: NYE
So here am I am today….on this challenge. Again this challenge is more to make daily health and exercise a part of our everyday lives, not to really lose weight on the scales, eating healthier is just making better decisions, would I rather have butter hell yes, would I rather have chips with my sandwich or french fries with my meals over veggies………….HELL YES! To me it’s all about decisions, the right decisions. I want to raise my daughter in a healthy atmosphere. I know just by doing that, cutting down my portions, drinking less (not much LOL), drinking more water and being active again will help me back into my 8’s again, hey I’ll settle with my size 10’s my friends!!

But let me just show you how worth it my journey has been: