My Journey to Motherhood

My biggest saying is “We all have our story”. Some love to tell it and others don’t, that’s ok, I’m just one of the ones that do. All my life all I ever wanted to do was become a mother, I don’t even know why, I wish I had a big fancy story to tell you why but I don’t. I just remember always loving children and wanting that special “bond” with a child. 

I was lucky to have loved a few times in life, VERY lucky, one I lost in a motorcycle accident at 21 and one I lost in a break-up after loosing my father to cancer, and one who I lost to the Army because that was his love. I’ve loved, I’ve hurt along the way, I’ve laughed and cried, I’ve lost. Though this face has shed many many tears I have not one regret. Every decision, every smile, every tear, every giggle has gotten me to exactly where I am this very minute.

I met my husband on-line (match.com) when we were both 27. I was at a difficult time in my life. I had many questions. What did I want to do career wise? Why did my childhood love and I not work out? Why did someone I loved so much want to join the Army and not want to take a wife with him? Why did my father die so young? I wanted a soul mate, I wanted that forever love, I wanted that family I longed for all my life so when I met Andy and realized he was such a great guy I thought, I should really get my life together, though it wasn’t that easy. People have often asked the question, “How do you know when he’s the one?” Well when you do what Andy did for me, you just know. So what did he do? LOL…..he was patient, he was kind, he was a friend before he was anything else, he was gentle, understanding, shall I go on? Patient I think was the biggest of them all, he always said that on our first few dates he could tell that “I didn’t have my life together” like I sold myself to, however he saw potential, and he knew I’d be worth the wait. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s not a saint! He had his crosses to bear too, I won’t broadcast them here because it’s not his story it’s mine however we helped each other become the people we so desperately wanted to be…..cheesy yes, but we did complete each other. So in June of 2009 when he got down on his knee and asked me to spend the rest of his life with him, I was over overjoyed.

A year later we wanted to start our family, we were so excited, we both could hardly wait, we had some obstacles, 8 mths of disappointments and tears, I now know that is nothing compared to what others go through. So in February of 2010, the day before Valentine’s Day, the day we found out we were to become parents, we couldn’t be happier. However that was only the beginning, the beginning of something neither of us knew. I had a wonderful pregnancy, I was so lucky to not be sick, to glow, to feel fantastic through most of it. I was so lucky to find out I was having the baby girl I was destined to have!!

Really all you get when your pregnant is lots of raging hormones, fatter and fatter as the months go on, and of course don’t forget about all the unwanted opinions and stories of others pregnancies!! What do I say when people tell me they are expecting these days? Congratulations, I’m so happy for you, enjoy every second, it’s such an experience………of course, that’s what everyone says!!! I will continue to say that throughout my life. Well don’t ask my best friend that because she gets the venting sessions. The “Don’t ever have kids, it’ll ruin your life!!” or “Oh my god all I’ve done all day is clean poop, empty the dishwasher and barley fit in a shower!!” LOL if she never has kids some day it may just be my fault!

The day we brought Madison Lauren home from the hospital was so emotional in so many ways, I looked at my husband and thought to myself, OMG what did we do! The worry that developed over night was just overwhelming!! It’s a kind of worry you can’t explain to anyone unless they are a parent. I sat in the rocker the first night and cried and cried and cried………..I looked at my pregnancy pictures on the wall and just wanted my old life back, I wanted her back in my belly, I wanted to scream, everyone was right!!!! She’s easier to care for in their!!!! But I looked down at her and just said over and over again “But I love you so much, I love you so much.” I didn’t know why I was feeling that way, I heard hormones were pretty crazy after having a child but didn’t really know what or how I would feel. I hated it, I hated the worry, I hated the late night feedings, I hated how we didn’t leave the house for weeks at a time, I hated how I couldn’t do anything to feel like me again. I was trying so hard to be the old me that I didn’t welcome the new me into this world. I had no idea I’d say good-bye to the old Tammi the night I delivered my daughter. I do now. 13 months later. And I’m ok with it. It took me about 9 mths to be ok with it and about 10 mths to admit that the way I was feeling was just not right. I battled getting up everyday, I hated life, I envied everyone around me for being so happy. The one thing I could say though is I never hated my child, I never took it out on her, I never blamed her, I just couldn’t help the “Depressed” feelings I felt. I joined a moms groups and realized I wasn’t alone, I joined a PPD group (Post Partum Depression) and realized I had it easy compared to others. The summer came and went, it was easier, I was up at my camp in the fresh air everyday, was surrounded by my family, it helped, then I came home and it started again. That’s when I realized this just isn’t right. So I’m finally comfortable saying that I suffered from PPD and I was on medication for it, that it’s ok to not love 100% of motherhood, that it’s ok to laugh and cry at the same time, or pee when I sneeze, or that my house may not get cleaned that day, but my daughter was cared for and loved today. That being a parent as hard as it is, is truly a blessing, it’s a gift, it’s the miracle of life and I’m so damn thankful to be a part of . That finally for the first time in all of my life, throughout all of my doubts I am right where I was supposed to be!! A daughter, a friend, a sister, a wife and now a mother. My life is indefinitely complete.