Having an ADHD child hasn’t molded me, it’s changed me. So I wanted to share five things people should know about parenting a child with ADHD. First and foremost, the child is NOT the only person who is effected by this diagnosis. It has changed my whole entire family dynamic. Simply said, the way we were raising our daughter was not the way we could continue to raise our son. It has been a process but I realized that not writing about it would mean that I’m ashamed of my own son and honestly, I couldn’t be more proud of him. My experiences have taught me a lot along the way and it’s time I share them. If it just helps one other mother not feel so alone in this journey then it’s worth it to me. There are a few things I’ve struggled with, the first is feeling alone and not having many people to talk to that may understand just a little bit. Secondly, what people think of me and my family, so I’ve come to use humor to deal with the everyday dooms and glooms because it helps me personally live the best life I can. So be prepared for some gut wrenching truths with this read, maybe a few laughs and hopefully the feeling of just being accepted for who you are going forward if you have an ADHDer at home.
Before I had my son I truly believed ADHD was a way of diagnosing the kids that were just hyper and yes I’m going to admit this right here and now, an excuse for parents that well, don’t parent. Trust me when I say that “thought” has proven to be very wrong, don’t worry moms or ADHDers I’ve been paid back for having that said because it’s brought me to my knees at times.
1.) People assume ADHD is having a hyper kiddo. It’s NOT. It’s SO much more than that.
It took me months to google it and really read about it. What is ADHD? ADD? It is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders of childhood. There are three different kinds. I’ll give you the shorter version of each one.
- Predominantly Inattentive Presentation: It’s hard to focus, follow conversations and remember details. This is the kind my husband has been diagnosed with.
- Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation: All of the above details plus it’s hard for the child to sit still, wait turns and makes impulsive choices. I understood how important it was to teach children how to make good choices but I had no idea how hard it would be with a child that has trouble with impulsivity.
- Combined Presentation: All of the above details combined. This is the one my son has been diagnosed with. Lucky me!
The part that I still struggle with the most is the “understanding” part of it. So many things in our house turned into “It’s the ADHD” hush my husband will say under his breath when we find food stashed away in the corner of his bedroom, or when we wake up to our sharpest knife of the house on the counter and the honeydew melon that was beautifully cut up. I can’t wrap my own head around the way his brain operates so it makes my frustrations come out a bit more than my husbands. He just was doing things my first NEVER did. The defiance and impulsivity was suddenly brought into my vocabulary. The meltdowns became more extreme the lessons were harder to learn and the feelings are so intense for the child….and family. As a parent we just wanted to “understand” what is happening and well, sometimes we just can’t!
To break it down as much as I can relate, his mind goes as fast as his body, he can’t keep up, it causes him to not think all the way through with his choices which would result to dangerous situations or well a HUGE pile of a mess. I couldn’t believe the choices he made at such a young age.
2.) We aren’t bad parents making excuses.
We don’t want this to define our child. I’m sure we are not alone in thinking too much about what others think. I’ve been the mom that has stormed out of the store because there was a meltdown about not getting a toy, something that most children will do at one point or another. However, it then continued into a 4 hour battle of hell from the car to home. I’ve been the mom that barley gets to talk with other adults at a BBQ or birthday party because I’m too busy making sure my child behaves and doesn’t do anything disrespectful at someone else’s home. My husband and I will do rock paper scissors on who’s turn it is to keep an eye on Drew! Sad but true, I didn’t want to be labeled as the mom that let her child destroy things, because that is what he does. We have been the family that’s not invited to said parties because of our Childs actions. His brain doesn’t work like a lot of kids. He doesn’t want to pretend play like my ten year old daughter does, he doesn’t want to paint or play with the usual toys. He wants to create! He learned how to use a screw gun at three (yes an adult one, he threw the child drill aside when we tried that) Not only does he want to create NON STOP, either he gets hyper focused on that project (which will turn into a HUGE argument when asked to come and eat dinner during said project) or it grows old quick and he moves on, which makes the mess from one side of the house to the other. He uses anything from duck tape, screws, nails, wood, styrofoam, staples, glue guns, etc etc. I can easily say no to these said creations. I have at times, the messes not only around the house but around our yard is impossible at times, but I don’t want to kill is creativity and well let me be honest, it keeps him freaken busy! We aren’t making excuses or saying our times are more trying, we are saying our times are just “different” and we want to allow our son to grow in this world the way he’s made to grow in his head.
3.) We try hard TOGETHER. We as the parents have to change A LOT. We do the work.
I’ve been forced to change so many of my parenting techniques which I never thought would happen. Meaning my husband and I and our son work really hard together. It’s not the basic relationship of parents vs. child. We don’t just get to make the rules in our household and reinforce them like we can with our daughter. Which in return has made a whole other problem within our family dynamics. It just doesn’t work that way when a child has ADHD. Nothing like being called out on by the older sibling when Drew doesn’t get consequences but she does. Yeah that was a fun year. We see therapists, doctors and prescribers and we do what they tell us to do, we take their advice and we make it work for our family. For example, consequences. I can’t speak for any other child with ADHD except ours but consequences is a joke to him. Our daughter, she learns from them, simple as that. We give a consequence to our son and it’s like getting the middle finger behind our backs. (I get about 58 silent middle fingers a day I’m guessing!) He just doesn’t care. He will take his punishment like a big boy and pretend like it doesn’t bother him because making the wrong choice is more important to him. It’s like a game. Strong-willed isn’t even the word to describe Drew. I know someday his determination and hard working attitude will pay off in life. However, dealing with it as a child is HARD. Children argue it’s what they do. My son takes it to a whole new level. Like when a child says “are we there yet?” a million times while driving to the fun awaited vacation, well imagine that about 100 times a day with every little thing from when is dinner to why can’t I have cake for dinner? (Insert eye roll/exhaustion emoji here please) We talk A LOT. He is what we call an “explainer” we have to sit down and tell him why he can’t cut cantaloupe with the sharpest knife in the house while we are sleeping. We have to tell him why it’s important that he doesn’t hoard food in his room. One of the biggest rules/pet peeves I’ve had as a parent is allowing food in my children’s room. I don’t know why, but it just is. I’ve had to bend on this rule because the medicine our son is on takes his appetite away so a good part of the day he doesn’t eat. He is the hungriest in the morning and evenings so he started hiding snacks in his room. I found mounds of packages of cookies and fishies in his room one day and it was heartbreaking because he finally explained to me that he is SOOOO hungry first thing in the morning and he just can’t help it. Oh and I’m not getting up at 5am to make him breakfast so I gave into breakfast bowls! Each night before we go to bed we make a breakfast bowl. It usually consists of a cereal bar and piece of fruit or dry cereal and an apple sauce. The rule is we choose the items together so they can be somewhat healthy and they CAN NOT eat in bed, sorry I draw the line of nastiness there. So it’s cute now my son has pillows he lines up on the floor and he enjoys his breakfast bowl and builds legos when he wakes up. I always thought when I became a parent I’d be the boss, and I’d be making the rules, but that is not always the case with ADHD. We communicate, we change, we learn. Together.
4.) ADHD Medication – It was the hardest decision of our lives.
Some people are for them, some people are against them. For reasons I respect across the board for both sides. I used to be the parent that was against them. My husband never found one that worked for him as a child. Or his parents just were so adamant about him not being on them. Until I spoke to a good friend one day. She said it like this, “if your son was diabetic would you not give him the medication he needs?” I was taken back at first but it really got me to think about it. We were on vacation with three other families the week I had that conversation with a friend. We struggled as a family that week. My son had no respect for anyone, he tore through the house we were renting like a bat out of hell and my husband and I were at the end of our rope. I was scared to try medication. I feared my son would become a zombie, or even worse that the medication would take away his happy little personality and creative mind. After consulting a therapist we decided to give it a try. We didn’t like the first medication he was on. We upped the dose, that result gave us the dreaded zombie like child we feared. We moved onto an extended release medication which was the happy medium for us. I can’t even think back to before meds now. It made me see that that meds really slows his brain down enough to finally allow him to organize his thoughts and actually make good choices. For example, for the first 30 minutes of our day he makes impulsive choices. We’ve woken up to stickers on our hardwood floors, slime all over the house and yes we’ve even been TP’d. Yes you read that correctly. Toilet paper. All. Over. The. House. The second the medication kicks in he’s his sweet self again. He asks before going into my craft room, he asks for snacks vs tearing through our snack cabinet, he asks for permission to use the glue gun, he actually some times asks if he can have his medication. I know we will always struggle with dosage and possibly even trying new kinds but when you hear your Childs teacher call your son “role model” material it’s the reassurance we needed as parents to see that we made the right choice. For now. We just want to set him up for success.
5.) He has ADHD he is NOT ADHD.
As a parent I’ve always found it a constant struggle of “What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? The answer over and over again is NOTHING. It’s not our fault. It’s not my husbands fault just because he has it. Yes it’s genetic but we didn’t choose to have kids or not have kids based off of that. We’ve sat and explained to both kids what ADHD is and how we don’t let it define anyone. It’s a disease, and I for one finally understand that. It’s heart breaking on days where I see him playing alone at recess every day. Or when he doesn’t want to go outside and play with the neighborhood kids, it’s simply because his interests aren’t like most kids. He doesn’t want to play hide and seek, tag or sports. He wants to create. Always create. It doesn’t bother him though, he has the same little girl at school he plays with, I consider her the female version of my son. During some of the hardest days of parenting a child with ADHD I often would forget about the amazing qualities my son has. I concentrated on the negative for so long. I spent countless nights hurting to my core because my family wasn’t invited to a party because of my sons actions, I spent days in tears just not understanding it all. I spent many moments feeling sorry for myself, for my son and for my daughter who has also struggled with this because it’s changed a lot in our family for her. I have to often remind myself to concentrate on the beautiful part of my son. He’s creative and extremely talented. He creates in his mind and puts it on paper or uses legos and popsicle sticks like you wouldn’t believe. He takes things apart and puts it back together, he is brilliant. He has the kindest soul I know. He truly has the biggest heart and loves and cares for anyone in his life. He loves to snuggle even at eight and he cares for his sister in a sibling way that I never expected from either of my kids. I watch him when he sleeps and I am damn proud of the life that my husband and I have created for him.
Your true friends will support you through any difficult times, this one included, if they don’t, then they weren’t friends to begin with.
