Dear Madison – Sweet Baby Girl

Dear Madison,

My sweet girl. It’s been far too long since Momma has written to you. I’d like to say it’s because life just got in the way but it’s not just that. I’ve come to realize that Momma has been struggling with her words lately. Not just my words but also with my feelings. I write a lot about how much you’ve grown and the things you’ve learned. I will always continue to do that but another thing that came to my attention is I’m always writing about Momma’s weaknesses. I never talk about how our experiences have made me grow right along with you and have developed into strengths. For that, this letter will be A LETTER OF STRENGTHS NOT WEAKNESSES.

I’ve come across a book that has made me open my eyes in a way that I hope is life changing not only for me but also for our family. Let me start with this. We have spent the Summer trucking bikes, floating devices and lunches to and from numerous parks, beaches and play dates. I truly can not remember enjoying you and your little brother as much as I have these past few months. We had such a brutal Winter with snow banks at what seemed like miles high. Spring came and though it was a cooler one we got to just get out more. Our schedule turned into this:

7:30 Wake Up. 7:45 Breakfast. By the time 8am rolled around your favorite question is “What are we going to do today Momma?” Though there were days when I just wanted to sit out on the front deck with a hot cup of coffee and bury my nose in a new book and let you and Drew have at it in the yard, I always try and have something planned. You both love being outdoors (after you got over the fear of the bugs, which by the way I’m super proud of you for coming such a long way.) I love staying busy. Now Momma isn’t known to be a spare of the moment kinda Momma and a skip nap so we could spend the “whole” day at the beach kinda Momma, that is rare for me. However I’m doing it. We are doing it together. Instead of telling you about the many fails I’ve had these past few months I’m going to concentrate on how far we’ve come together.

Daddy asked me a question about my blog a few weeks ago and it got me to thinking why I started it and how far I’ve come. The reason I started was all because of you sweet girl. Momma discovered she loved cooking so why not share yummy recipes with the world? I then realized I loved writing about being a Momma. It was the way I could “get out my feelings.” I need to make writing to you and your brother more of a priority. I promise you I will. I also promise to see more and to feel more. I promise to just enjoy more. What I mean by this is live in the moment more with you. Momma gets overwhelmed fast but I’m starting to do what this book is telling me to do and it’s working! The other day we were trying to get out the door to school so Momma could get to her meeting and you banged your toe on the door heading out. You love bandaids. Bandaids always make you feel better even when there is no mark there. I assessed the “boo boo” and saw no mark but of course you requested a bandaid. The “old Momma” would have said “no, lets go we are running late, Momma’s has to get to work.” I then looked at your tear streaked face and realized, if my baby needs a bandaid to feel better isn’t it worth the 30 seconds it’ll take to run upstairs and grab one? So I did. I wiped your tear stained face, kissed it and we were on our way. The very same morning we were on our way outside to the playground at school for drop off and I was filling out the form for Drew’s teacher that shows what time he woke, ate and was changed, you always love signing your initials at the bottom of the page, you just love being included. So you did. Then you said “no Momma I want to write out my whole name!” The “old Momma” would have said “no no honey, Momma is late we have to get going.” I stepped back, thought of what I read in that book the day before and said “OK honey lets write your whole name.” Tears brimmed my eyes that day on the way home because I was so proud of myself for recognizing the times where I should just say “YES” instead of “no no no life is this life is that….” Then later on that morning as I went for my jog around the lake I was walking down the street and I saw the most beautiful view. 2 large geese with their little ones just sitting on the beach ahead of me. It was just a beautiful moment, I went to grab my phone from my armband and as I did the “Hands Free Life” bracelet dangled from my arm and I thought to myself “Why do I need to take this picture?” Enjoy the moment! Take in the scenery and watch those Momma and Papa Geese watch over their little ones as I walked by. No one was going to enjoy that picture as much as I enjoyed that moment, so again……it’s about living in the moment. The now.

Another thing I did was take my work email off of my phone and I turned off all of my alerts for social media. Not because I wanted to, but until I can learn to check it when you and your brother aren’t around then why have the temptation there. This is my way of unplugging and really being present when you are around. We go to the Mall on rainy days and I look around at the parents on their phone as their little ones play in the indoor playground. I watch you and your brother, I see him fall down and I see you run to him and rub his back asking him if he’s OK. I see the panic on your face when you look around and you can’t find Pup Pup. I then see your little brother rush over to get it behind the slide and all I can think to myself is, I would be missing those moments if I was on my phone. Now I’m guilty as charged. I use social media for this very blog, for work and for keeping in touch with family. I use that very phone to capture those precious moments I’m speaking of, however I promise you sweet girl, Momma is stepping back so I don’t miss those moments going forward.

Your getting to the age now where I want you feel comfortable coming to me. It’s so so important for me to get you to understand that you can always tell me anything. No matter what it may be I will always love you. I will never make you feel anything less than the amazing you already are. We will get there together.

Milestones:

Our first adult conversation took place a few weeks ago:

You: “Momma can someone have 2 Mommy’s?”
Me: Now how can I answer this where I won’t be lying but I won’t have to go into the world of discrimination. “Yes they can.” I simply said.
You: “And someone can have 2 Daddy’s?”
Me: “Yes they can.”
You: Now you ponder these questions and answers, I can literally see the wheels turning as I held my breath on what was going to come out of your mouth next. “How come?”
Me: OK I can answer this one. “Well as long as 2 people love each other they can be married.”
I held my breath yet agaon.
You: “Oh….OK. What’s for dinner tonight?”
Me: Whew……..you were satisfied with my answer!

I will never forget that conversation because I felt like it was my first adult answer just as much as it was your first “big kid” question. You are growing into such a beautiful little girl (minus the whining you still can’t seem to toss aside!) You will be starting Kindergarten at the Daycare Center 3 times a week after Labor Day. You have a late birthday so you miss the cut off from the town Kindergarten so when they asked if we would be OK with you moving up Daddy and I talked and came to the conclusion that it would be beneficial for you. I’m so proud of you Sweet Girl.

Until next time. All my love.
Momma