Dear Madison:
I could feel your little hand in my own. When I looked down at you I could see the worry in your eyes, I wanted to so badly to just scoop you up and take the fear away. I just smiled at you and said “It’s Okay Boo, your going to love kindergarten.” We walked up the stairs and I felt you tighten your grip. I squeezed your little hand back to let you know I was there. Little did you know I was a little scared too. I didn’t know a anyone and I was a little afraid for you too. We walked into the cafeteria and found the table that had your name and classroom on it. Room 9. Mrs. Gendron. We sat down and started coloring pages that were left for the kids to color. Other kids slowly started sitting down next you. I asked some of the little girls and boys what their names were and told them yours. I won’t always be there to do that for you sweet girl but we had to start somewhere. The welcome assembly began and I locked eyes with your teacher. She immediately came over and introduced herself. I felt a weight had been released from my shoulders because I just felt this woman could tell she had a shy girl on her hands. She took you by the hand and lined you up with the rest of the kids. She wanted to take you to your new classroom. You turned and starred at me with your big blue eyes. They filled with tears and all I could do was sit down with a broken heart, smile, and say “It’s OK baby, I’ll be right here.”
It felt like a moment. Just a blink of an eye. A breath. Your Kindergarten year is almost over and I can hardly believe it. I think back to that day, the day where I could see the fear in your eyes and I feel a sense pride. You bounce to and from the bus stop. You talk about friends, you love PE as you call it. Computer lab is another favorite. Your more confident, and I love teaching you about strength, responsibility, caring and kindness as your Girl Scout leader.
We have a place on the side of the road where we wait for the bus. We call it “Our Spot.” It’s off to the side, safe, and just ours. You sometimes jump rope down to it with me on the warmer mornings, and during the winter when it was really cold I’d sit in the car and wait for you. Our spot got covered by a lot of snow over the winter months but I’m happy to say it’s Spring now and we can continue to stand there to wait for the bus. There has not been one day that you haven’t asked the same questions as I’m walking you around to the doors of the bus. “Will you blow me a kiss and wave good-bye?” My answer is always “Of course I will.” Every day I wave to you and blow you a kiss, I wonder if it’ll be the last day you ask me that question. I know kids love being on the bus with their friends but you jump into an empty seat and you wait for me to wave and blow you kisses. I know some day will come when you won’t ask me that question but for now I’ll just enjoy every wave and treasure every kiss I blow your way.
One of the things I fear the most as a parent is that as you get older you won’t feel comfortable coming to me. So far so good, you get off the bus every day and tell me exactly what has happened during your day. Who was mean to you, who you played with, and who spent time in the “break spot.” Even on the day you were the one that needed to take a break. I was proud of you for telling me that you got into trouble. When I asked what happened you said you were playing with your friends and being noisy on the matt. I tucked you into bed that night and said “I want you to always be able to talk to Momma baby. No matter what it is you can trust me, we will talk about it and work it out.” The way you snuggle against me when I tuck you in at night is one of my favorite parts of day.
You attended your first Father Daughter dance this past week. At the beginning of the year when I saw the PTA schedule of events I was worried. I didn’t think you’d want to go because you wouldn’t want to wear a dress. Though you prefer to not wear one you’ve done so well lately with wearing them when you have to. We went to Mexico to see your aunt and uncle get married and you wore a dress each night with not one complaint. So the night we were getting ready for the father daughter dance I nearly cried with pure joy when you twirled around in the dress the second you put it on. You said “I love dancing in my dress!!” You were the most beautiful thing I ever laid my eyes on. You accepted your Daddy’s flowers, took your purse and you were on your way for a night of dancing and fun. The way you came crashing through the door and hugged me when you got home made every meltdown, every argument and every disagreement we had that week melted away.
After weeks and weeks of meltdowns and arguments those precious times will always out number the bad. Daddy and I have been working a lot with Rebecca on your feelings, how to voice them, and how to make good decisions. The attitude we were getting was out of control, but as the weeks progress I see my sweet girl returning. It’ll aways be work boo, but we promise to work with you every step of the way, we are so proud of how far you’ve come.
Just like that you are not my baby anymore. I saw you off to school on a random Wednesday morning with your front tooth dangling. I watched you smile at me and I could tell it was going to fall out that day. Daddy picked you up at the bus stop that afternoon and you were proud to present us with your tooth. You ran into the house smiling at me and I could see a little girl running towards me. That tooth, that day, changed you sweet girl. Your whole face has changed from one little tooth. Though you will always be my little baby girl, for the first time ever, I’m having a hard time seeing it. These are the moments that people tell me to not rush, these are the days where the cuddles and neediness should be treasured, these are the times that I’m going to some day want back. They say live in the moment and treasure every stage a long the way but sometimes it is so difficult when your in the heat of the moment, when you just long to finish a hot meal without being interrupted four times, take a hot shower alone or god forbid I just get five minutes (at one time) of silence. Moments like that very tooth pulls me back in. Those very moments happen when I really need to be pulled back in sweet girl.
Momma loves you.
