Dear Drew – Never Look Forward

Dear Drew,

If I look deep enough I can see your sweet little baby face. If I search long enough, I remember the sleepless nights and constant snuggles you needed. If I feel enough, I see your hand in mine as you stumbled along waiting patiently to take that very first step. I don’t know when it happened, I blinked, I breathed and I silently wished for the days to pass. Now that I have realized I will never get these days back, my promise to you today is I will never look forward again. Sure we are always going to have some tougher days, days that we may both feel may never end, however they will, and I want to learn how to treasure the days that I call now with you baby boy. Most people would say “never look back” I say “never look forward” and I’m going to tell you why.

We have had an amazing Summer. You turned two and we celebrated with our family and friends the best way we knew how! You LOVE LOVE LOVE trucks and any kind of automobile really so your party theme was construction vehicles if you can believe it! When ever we pass by a tractor, dump truck or digger your eyes just light up and you point. Instead of focusing on the constant struggle as you learn to put your words together, I will treasure that light I see when passing a construction vehicle.

We had many many play dates over the last few months. Let me just name a few: Blueberry picking, Derry Splash Pad, Beech Hill Farm, Salem High Choo Choo Park, Livingston Park, York’s Wild Kingdom, the list is endless. You my little man, really like to stay busy. We also had a few family day trips too, we went to Hampton Beach, Old Orchard Beach, Liquid Planet and we have a few more day trips planned for the Fall months. You picked up words so well, probably because of your big sister but you are doing so well with putting sentences together. We are still working on when to use those words though. Two years old is a tough stage, I also remember it with your big sister. As a little one learning how to use those words and get used to the word “no” makes for a rough life buddy. (I’m being sarcastic) There were so many days I just couldn’t understand your words or what you needed and I lost my patience and left the room. Instead of focusing on the whining and pouts of anger when you can’t say a word I will treasure all of the smiles I saw from you this Summer.

There was a day when I just needed to make a phone call. I walked outside and listened to you cry “Momma. Momma. Momma.” I’m sorry sweet boy, I needed to call the cable company. I wished that very day away. I couldn’t wait for it to end. Now the day is gone and I already wish for it back. I see the grace in that moment now. You just wanted Momma, how could I have wished that day away.

You have a temper, when you don’t get your way or someone says no to you, you fight back hard. You throw things and stamp your feet with anger. I wished a lot of those days away. I now remind myself that that very temper may someday make you try harder. Fight longer and succeed more. I will continue to work with you to express your feelings instead of loose my patience with you.

I think back to a day where we drove an hour to get to a place, all you wanted to do was eat the snacks I packed instead of pick blueberries, play with construction trucks or pat the goats. I let it irritate me. Instead of getting frustrated that all you wanted to do was eat snacks, I should have watched you put all of the animal crackers in the back of a dump truck and dump it. You are growing and learning, why not treasure that moment.

When you and your sister fell asleep on the way back I looked in the rearview mirror and saw your sweet faces flushed from the sun, streaked with ice cream and dirt.  No matter how tired I was, no matter how much housework was at home waiting for me, no matter how many days went by when I hadn’t had the chance to squeeze in a work out I realized that you will remember the fun we had. You will remember the fun places we went to and how you got to skip rest time. You will remember the sticky fingers that went into that very ice cream, your favorite snacks I always packed for you and the juice boxes I brought as a treat. You will not remember my tired gestures and the $11.40 we spent on ice cream. You will not remember my irritation at how you insisted that those animal crackers must be poured into the dump truck.  You will not remember me saying no to you when you asked for a second spoonful of gummy bears.  Sweet boy, I will remember that those blue eyes starring up at me as you reach for my hand to climb the rocks may not always reach for me. I will never wish another day away.

Your sister started Jr. Kindergarten this past week. She now goes to school three days a week so that means you are home with me one day a week. It’s only been one week but I forgot how much I missed that one on one time with you. You stayed home the first year with Momma but then you started to go to daycare with Madison so Momma could work a few days from home. I love how much time I have to give to just you. We went for a walk and we played peak a boo in the carriage, we drew with chalk and played outside just the two of us.

There are so many journeys ahead for us my little man. I know that some day I’ll long for these days back just like there are already times when I long for the sleepless baby days. Know that Momma loves you and we are in this together. I leave you with these thoughts and feelings:

I will learn with you and I will grow with you.

I promise to allow more and to stop counting the minutes.

I vow to let go more and worry less.

I will teach more with my actions instead of trying to expect more with my words.