Dear Dad,
I miss you.
You’ve been gone for nearly 15 years now. I remember when we first lost you I had an endless list of things I’d never get to do with you, special times you wouldn’t get to be a part of. Not only would you not walk me down the isle at my wedding but you wouldn’t even get to meet the incredible man I would someday marry. I thought about the grandchildren you wouldn’t get to hold or the beautiful house I’d some day own. There were many different things I thought about when I knew that the word Cancer would forever change our family. That list will continue to only grow longer and longer. I’ve since married that incredible man, gave you two grandchildren and bought that beautiful home.
“I used to wonder if you’d be proud of me, I don’t wonder anymore, I know you would be.”
I don’t look around and wonder what life would be like if you were here. I used to, but I can’t because your not here and you haven’t been in years. It makes me sad, I knew the day would come. When hours then days would go by and you wouldn’t pass through my mind. Fast forward 15 years and I have a different way of thinking about things now. No you were not there to walk me down the isle to my future husband, but Mom and Trish were. You didn’t get to hold either of my babies when they were born, but Mom and Trish did and no you do not get to see the beautiful house that my sweet family purchased but Mom and Trish do because they are here in this big beautiful home with us. I want to look at what I do have, not what I do not have. The truth is I can’t change anything that happened. I can’t be angry and bitter anymore. Though I don’t get to share such amazing moments with you. I can only thank god that I have Mom to talk to about this challenging thing called parenting. That I have her to ask “what would dad say or do?” I can miss you each and everyday that goes by and I do, but I can spend those days sharing memories and stories of what kind of grandfather my children did have instead of wondering what life would have been like if you were still here.
“If you could embrace them you would, but you can’t so embrace them from where you are and protect my sweet babies.”
Madison, oh Dad you would look into her great big blue eyes and just love her. She has your eyes and your hair and Drew has your “I don’t care what you think attitude.” Well he gets that from his father too because when Mom says I married my father, trust me, I married my father. Your name is in each of my children’s name. Madison Lauren and Drew Lawrence. I promise you both of my kids will know the meaning behind those names. As my children get older I think of you more and more. It’s not that I don’t wonder what life would be like if you were here. It’s just I often ask myself would I be as close to Mom and Trish? We only had each other and knowing that they are not alone would make you so happy. You should see the way the kids faces light up when Nunney or TT walks in the room. Nunney came about from Maddie because she couldn’t say Nana. TT came about because I thought it was easier for Maddie to say TT, plus you know Trish, she would drop the Aunty if she had a choice, but I wanted her to have a special name. She deserves a special name. I sometimes think about the relationship you and Andy would have had, you are opposite in so many ways but so alike in many others. You were a Sci-fi guy and you’d find Andy watching the discovery channel. However you both loved your yard, really take care of your vehicles and really really love the woman in your lives. If I close my eyes I can fell you hug me and say “You did good Tam.”
“Your not here but we are. So we must live the way you would want us to live.”
Madison turned five yesterday and Drew turned two this Summer. Thanks to that big chubby boy, June went from being a depressing month to one of the best months of the year for us now. Last month the kids celebrated Grandparents Day at school. They make cute cards and activities and they invite any and all grandparents to come and visit. This was the second year that Mom and Andy’s Mom attended. However it was the first year she came home and said the dreaded sentence I’ve been waiting for. “Why don’t I have a Grandpa Momma? With tears in my eyes I turned to my husband then to our beautiful daughter and simply said “Oh you do have a grandpa honey, he just can’t be here with us anymore but he was amazing. He would have loved you to pieces.” It was followed with a “Why where is he, doesn’t he want to be here?” holding back the tears that pressed at my tired eyes I answered her the best way I knew how. “He’s in heaven baby, of course he would want to be here, but he got sick and couldn’t be anymore, sometimes those things happen” a few more questions about sicknesses and heaven were exchanged and then that was enough to satisfy her. The questions will keep coming as my kids learn what heaven is and why people get sick and leave us. She is already asking if so and so is going to die because they are sick in the hospital. I hate knowing I have to explain this to my children. I remember I never even thought about “dying” until we lost a family pet at the age of 10 and I curled up on your lap and cried for what seemed like hours. I never lost my first grandparent until I was 18. I feel like my children got jipped but again, I can’t change it so why be angry and bitter about it. I can only deal with the cards we were dealt and make sure my kids know exactly who you were.
“They are growing so fast, I will continue to guide them the way you guided me.”
I want to share stories with my kids about you. However it’s something that has to come in time. I blocked out so many amazing memories when I went through the grieving process of loosing you. Over the years more and more are coming back though. I’ve already showed them how you used to tuck us in as kids. We have developed “silly time” at night in my bed because of the story I told them of how their grandpa used to be funny when tucking me and TT in at night. Madison knows you loved to fish, she sees your picture on the refrigerator and talks about it all the time. She now wants to go fishing all the time.
There are so many times when I see my children and I think of you. When Madison learned to spell her name, I thought how happy you would have been seeing her signature at the bottom of a Grandparents card. You would have gotten your boy with Drew. When the ultrasound technician told us we were expecting a boy I instantly thought of you. I’d give just about anything to see you with them, but I can’t and I never will. Sometimes life is just so unfair but I know you and Mom taught me to think about all of the good I do have in my life. All of the people we are surrounded by that love us.
“Life can be unfair, Life can be cruel, Life can be lost. However, Life is beautiful, Life is amazing, Life is a BLESSING.”
I love you Dad,
Love,
Tam
