“Baby Face”

I think of the face that I woke up to everyday for a year. The first year of my sweet baby girls life. That little innocent face that got me through some of my hardest days. The gentle curves of her cheeks that led to her cute little lips. Those very lips that got me to smile on the darker days as I faced motherhood for the first time. The beautiful blue eyes that stared back at me that secretly whispered “Momma you can do this. You are the best Momma I could ever have. Momma get up because I need you.” The chubby sprout of her cute little nose that completed that perfect little baby face, my perfect little baby face, that right then and there….. forever changed me.

Every parent knows that having a child will forever change you. We just don’t know how much. I think about this statement a lot during the “OMG I’m going to loose my mind” kind of days. My husband even said to me just this past week. “Why is this so hard? Why does parenting have to be so difficult and why didn’t anyone tell us??” I only had one answer for him. “If someone told us how difficult it was, if someone warned us, or even gave us a manual that we could have read just to see what we were in for. Would you have jumped on the parenting band wagon!? Heck I’m not so sure I would have. Not only that but when you see your best friends face or the face of your little cousin when she tells you she is expecting her first child, would you ruin that very precious moment by yelling “NOOOOOOOO….don’t do it!!!! It’s the hardest thing you will ever do, you will never sleep again, you will turn into a person you never wanted to be but in the same instant the very best of yourself. Would you tell them that there are nights that you cry yourself to sleep because you feel like you are screwing up the only thing you ever wanted in life? No. We wouldn’t. We don’t. If we did, no one would have children. Just like child birth, if we remembered just how painful it was, we wouldn’t have more than one.

I’ve always felt guilty because I suffered from Post Partum Depression after I had my daughter and I sometimes feel I never got that connection that a mother and a child should feel. Yes I will never forget the warmth that filled my heart the second they placed her in my arms. However the connection, well It didn’t happen at first for me. That’s when I knew something was wrong. The days passed, I was disconnected and just wanted to get out with anyone and not be Momma. I’ve spent many years being bitter. My husband has a very special and unique bond with my daughter and I sometimes am jealous of it because the post partum depression stripped me of that relationship. I was silently robbed.

Until the other day.

I found the comfort in remembering my daughters baby face one day when I had some feelings inside of me about a recent family situation that left me sad. When I have these moments I know my sweet babies can always cheer me up. I climbed in bed with her and just laid beside her. She said “Momma what are you doing?” I just replied with “Just loving you extra today.” I then looked at her sweet innocent face and I couldn’t believe how my husband and I created such a beautiful amazing little person. I looked deep into her eyes and really looked at her inside features….then all of a sudden that little girl came back to me.  I saw her baby face in that moment and I heard her eyes say “It’s OK Momma, don’t be sad, everything will be ok.” I don’t know why but it gave me the comfort I was so seeking. I immediately thought of her innocence. I thought of how someday she may lay beside her daughter, struggling over something and need her own sweet baby to get her through it. All in a moments time I saw my sweet baby girls baby face, felt the warmth of her love and it truly calmed me. In that moment nothing mattered but me and my baby girl and I finally felt that connection and love I’ve been seeking for almost five years. I realized that though I didn’t get that connection in the months following my daughters birth, it doesn’t mean I won’t have those special connections throughout her whole entire life. My daughter secretly gave me a gift that day.

In the days going forward I want to calm my breath, take a step back, and just regroup by simply looking at my children and remember their baby faces. Let the innocence that saves them day in and day out be my saving grace. Let the sweetness behind the eyes that look at you and scream “NOOOO I don’t want to help clean up!” get me through those heated moments. No matter how old they get I want to close my eyes and remember that burst of love I first felt when each of my babies were placed in my arms. When I first saw their angel like faces.