The big 4-0 they call it. “Over the hill.” 40 Years of Awesome Nah, for me it’s just another year, another day. I am right where I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve recently been asked by a lot of people (myself included) Are you going back to work now that Drew is in kindergarten? I assumed I would, I thought it was just the next thing to do. Then my husband said, “If you don’t have to go back to work because of money why wouldn’t you just stay home?” I replied back “and do what all day?” He then said, well you said all you wanted to do your whole life was be a SAHM, just because Drew is in kindergarten doesn’t mean you still can’t be a SAHM, it’ll give you more time to write. He reminded me that there would be sports, events, snow days, summers. Wouldn’t you rather be the one at the bus stop if financially we you can? I proceeded to think long and hard. Maybe this is the time to go back to school, maybe this is the time I finally finish my book. The kids are just starting on their school journey. I’m involved in PTA for the school, I’m a girl scout leader, and I recently started substituting for the town. This allows me to be involved in my children’s every day life, I’m getting to know the teachers they will some day have and I won’t lie the extra hugs I get throughout the day from all of the kids are just an added bonus. Getting back out there in the work world has been difficult for me and my family. Eight years people, it’s been eight years since I had to answer to anyone but myself. This is when I give all of your working Momma’s out there a HUGE shoutout. Give yourself a pat on the back because I have a hard enough time getting stuff done and I don’t work full-time. My kids, and when I say kids I mean all three of them, husband included 🙂 is used to having Momma around a lot more. Laundry miraculously just appears in their draws, a crumb, what’s a crumb my husband asks. Oh and all of that yummy food that ends up in your bellies kids….yes I made it! When my eight year old asks for the ketchup, I’ve learned how to say, “you have two arms and two legs, you go get it.” Madison got mad at me this past weekend because her friend who lives next door came over to play and I said “your not going outside until that play room is cleaned up.” I’m also not ashamed to admit that I use cheeseballs as bribery to get my kids to do small chores, get dressed without arguing with me and well yes even to brush your teeth even though it defeats the purpose!
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a letter to my children or even a recipe but summer proved to be a challenging one. Momming has been HARD lately. I spent my summer dealing with melt down after meltdown, picking up a house full of glue, tape, and endless amounts of “stuff” my son puts together as his “projects.” If I went to take a shower, or perhaps go use the bathroom, I never knew what I was going to find in the five short minutes never mind thirty. We spent more money on paper cups, plates, spoons, tape and straws because no matter how many talks about how it’s a waste of money to use household products to make “projects” nothing has worked. Then there are the arguments. No matter what I asked him to do from “let’s get ready to leave” to “No you can’t have a snack now, I’m making dinner.” it always ends in an argument….screaming at the top of his lungs, his fists and legs hit the floor, he makes himself horse from screaming. Yes, I’ve learned to no longer argue with a five year old. We’ve tried time-outs, go to your room, bribery, positive reinforcement, getting down on his level and just trying to reason with him some things work in different situations but I’m used to, “Hey Madison, go get your sneakers on so we can leave.” “Okay Momma!!!” He will get up at all god hours of the night and has even visited my mother in her apartment come the early hours of dawn. Before you can even think it, yes there are always consequences, but one of my questions to our family therapist recently before she recommended having him evaluated, was, is it possible that a child will never learn right from wrong through consequences? I mean come on it’s now a safety issue! This is the little boy who at 3 nearly gave our neighbor a heart attack when he proceeded to drive his motorized gator down the road, down the hill then across the main road of our neighborhood. (Thank you Dad for making sure there was no car coming around the corner that day.)
Madison is at such a fun age, she’s curious, creative, she’s just an amazing little girl, but I’ve now realized that our challenging summer got the best of her because a lot of attention was spent on Drew these past few months. Now she is acting out to get our attention back. It’s hard to explain but we lost the sweet little boy he grew up to be to some thing fierce. It is outside of the “normal typical” boy behavior. We got the results from his evaluation he had at Children’s Neurology a few weeks back. The doctor is proceeding with the findings of ADHD with the possibility of a sensory issue or two. I never thought of ADHD as a “disease” he’s not sick, he’s not going to die, my husband has ADD. However, hearing a doctor say “special needs” I must admit was saddening to me but I never thought I’d actually want my child to have a diagnosis. I walked away from that appointment somewhat relieved. It was the feeling of relief that there is an actual reason why we’ve lost that sweet little boy that used to randomly come up and kiss my arm. It means he will get the help he needs, it means their is light at the end of the tunnel for this Momma.
Needless to say I’ve been busy. I always said I’d write about the hard times as much as the good times throughout this journey but I’ve found it really difficult to put these last few months into words. So instead of writing a letter to my children I decided to finally get out there that though we had a rough summer, we had many great moments too. We had many pool dates, boat rides and fun filled days in the sun. I prayed hard this summer, and the lord was good to me by giving me all of the smaller moments throughout our days to make the harder ones bearable.
So I may be 40 now, but to me it’s just another year to celebrate, embrace the good in my life, say see ya later to the negative nelly’s and just be the Momma I’ve always wanted to be no matter what age my kids are at, no matter what age I am, no matter how bad the days can be.